Are you sick of it, too?

[versifier]

I am getting so sick of new firearm and ammunition reviews in the gun rags that sing celestial praises of every latest development regardless of truth, need, or reality. So, last night I decided to fight back.
This is what I ended up with....

Latest Exclusive Rifle Review (C) 2006 T.J.Diegoli

I got a call yesterday from the local gun shop telling me my new test rifle had finally arrived. Oh boy! I hurried right on down, ran through the door and there it was on the counter, still in its unopened box. Charlie was standing behind it grinning like a cat in a cheese factory.

“Well go on. Open ‘er up! I wanna see ‘er, too!”

So, I opened up the box and there she was, the first production model of the brand new Bremchestervage Ultralight in the latest .911 Brontosaurus Magnum. It looked so beautiful that I started to drool uncontrollably. I admit it. Charlie reached down and handed me a napkin from the box all gun shops keep behind their counters.

Wiping my chin, I pulled the rifle free of the packing material and swung it up to my shoulder. It was as light as cotton candy and pointed as naturally as a good bird dog. I worked the bolt a few times and handed it to Charlie so he could try it on for size, too. It sported their newly designed super space age synthetic stock in the latest Universal Swamp Growth Camo with their signature 12” thick recoil pad. Impressive looks and feel, we thought.

“Some slick!” he says, “The scope came in, too. Check it out while I set this up.” Charlie handed me another smaller box and set the rifle in his gun vise. He got out his tools and unwrapped the base and rings while I opened up the box. This scope was a pretty impressive looking unit, too, a top of the line 40-87x60 Leukonski Cyclops with built in patented targeting laser and digital proximity radar. I am talking about some serious cutting edge high tech optics here.

Anyway, I passed the Leukonski over to Charlie and he soon had it mounted on the Ultralight, leveled, and bore sighted. We put it on the scale to see what the whole thing put together weighed in at. With the scope and hardware it tipped the scale at just a smidge over five pounds. Perfect. No problem carrying this one around all day, no siree! Off to the range I went.

At this point, I should tell you a little bit about the ammo, too, as it is every bit as noteworthy as the scope and rifle. I had four boxes specially loaded for me by Dead Eye Dick’s Custom Hunting Loads featuring the very newest premium Spierrady 1200 grain Dangerous Game Exploding Bullets at an estimated muzzle velocity of around 3500 feet per second. They guarantee this load not only to kill with one shot any animal on the planet including a blue whale, but also to have any carcass hit with it from squirrel on up to elephant size already field dressed before it hits the ground. Now that’s potency and versatility, I’m telling you! Talk about your modern convenience! The loaded rounds are about two inches in diameter and just over eight inches long, your typical modern magnum size. The price you have to pay for these super high performance cartridges is smaller magazine capacity, and the Ultralight only holds two, one in the magazine and one round chambered.

Well, I got to the range and got things set up. I put a target on the holder out at one hundred yards. I put on my shooting glasses and my hearing protectors, then I set the rifle on the sandbag and I loaded her up. I got myself comfortable, took my time getting it settled properly into the bag and making sure that everything was lined up perfectly. Cranked up to its maximum magnification, the Leukonski’s field of view at one hundred yards is only about ten millimeters, so I found the integral targeting laser to be very helpful. Smart engineering. I was falling in love with it already.

When the sight picture looked right, I took a long deep breath, let half of it out, and I slowly squeezed the trigger. After the smoke from the resulting explosion began to clear, I was satisfied to see the entire target holder had been reduced to splinters and confetti that were still settling leisurely to the ground. An impressive sight to say the least. This bullet is obviously destined for classic status, and don’t forget you heard about it here first.

I decided then that it really was pointless for me to shoot any more, so I unloaded the Ultralight left handed and packed up the car. It’s true; you really don’t need more than one shot. Just like Spierrady says in their ads, “One will do the trick”.

I have since been trying to convince my doctors that there is nothing at all unusual about a man walking around with two left shoulders. I am of the opinion that some minor tailoring of all my shirts and jackets will be much more cost effective than the radical shoulder relocation surgery they insist upon, but once those doctors get dollar signs in their eyes it becomes impossible to dissuade them. I don’t know what the medical profession is coming to. They really should take a lesson from the firearms industry.

Oh, and before I forget....

This magazine and I are pleased to announce a special contest so that one of you lucky readers will have a chance to win this beautiful Bremchestervage Ultralight rifle and Leukonski Cyclops scope and to test them out on a guided big game hunt with yours truly at an exclusive Texas game ranch, just as soon as they let me out of the hospital. See inside this magazine’s front cover for the complete details on how you can enter to win yourself this truly amazing rifle, seventy-nine remaining rounds of Dead Eye Dick’s ammo, and a once in a lifetime big game hunt. Please don’t forget to sign the liability waiver at the bottom of your entry form.

Good luck, folks. And, until next month, please try to be very aware when you’re in wolf or grizzly country. The good folks at the USFWS ask me to remind you that they already have enough roughage in their diets, and that you and your supplies would likely have an adverse effect upon their digestion....

[Oldbushman]

I read the article front to back & then back to front !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow I'm impressed & have asked "matron" to order me one! So when I'm put out in the gardens of a afternoon (just after my medication ) I have something to shot the Pink dragons that appear before me with

But?????????????????? after reading the application form for the compertion for the exclusive hunting trip! I noticed that (a) there is only room for one Name ! What about all the other people in my head ? & (B) Is the hunt in Texas really at the ALAMO home for the slightly deranged shooter who belives every test report is Kosker???? Other wise Matron says I can go

Dave

[303carbine]

Where do I get one ???ROTFLMAO ......Bronto magnum.......

[kodiak1]

Filled out my form and signed my release lets go deer hunting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn that was good can't wait for next month's edition.

Ken.

[Baldy]

That is a classic for sure. I can hardly quit laughing. Thanks to Versifier..

Shoot fast make one Hole..